Autobot G1 Retirement Home
by Prander
Summary: The mileage is high on these old Autobots as they rust away the day. Hope this brings ya a laugh. Graphic Language. Thanks for the feedback and reviews and please check out my profile or forum for a personal thank you. :)


Prowl, old rusted and dented, raised the ping pong ball and squinted at it before he called out the number.

"B4." he called from the podium.

Optimus shot up in his chair.

"Bingo!"

The other retired autobot cars, sitting in rows at the bingo tables, all grumbled and groaned.

"Optimus, we just started. Settle down." Bumblebee leaned over. Optimus looked at him and blinked a few times.

"Who are you?" He asked.

"Bumblebee." The smaller autobot sighed and tipped back a flask of anti-freeze.

"What's a Bumblebee?" Prime looked around at the other old Autobots warriors.

"A pain in the ass, that's what." Cliffjumper growled from his wheelchair.

"That's right Bumblebee just keep tippin' em back, ya sponge." Wheeljack cackled.

Bumblebee eyed him before lowering the flask.

"Jealous, you mouthless old fart?"

"Hey fuck you kid! If I still had legs I'd kick your ass!"

Prowl tapped his cane on the floor for order. Bumblebee waved Wheeljack off as the old Autobot inventor sat there with both middle fingers extended.

Prowl reached over and turned the small crank on the ping pong ball wheel for a new number. It rattled and hissed and Optimus shot up out of his chair.

"Insecticons!" And he slapped the ball wheel off the podium, scattering balls everywhere.

The others all groaned and started throwing their bingo dobbers at their old leader.

"Gawdammit Prime." Cliffjumper growled.

"You old fool." Bluestreak chimed in.

"For fuck sake!" Wheeljack snarled.

"Every day man...every day." Sunstreaker looked at Sideswipe, shaking his head, and they pushed away from the table and slowly got to their feet.

Prowl sighed and followed his old comrades out of the hall as they made their way to the TV room.

"Don't forget Ratchet and Ironhide." He called out. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe stopped and picked up the two urns off the table. They held the remains of the oldest Autobots.

"Hey, who wrote 'rust dust' on these?" Sunstreaker frowned.

"We had to." Prowl stood there, waiting. "Prime thought it was coffee."

"Coffee for everyone!" Prime called out as Bumblebee led him through the doors.

Prowl, hunched over and creaking, came through the doors last just as Bumblebee was sitting Prime down in his favorite spot.

"You should really watch him better, Bumblebee."

"Don't start on me, Prowl. It was you who said we should put a cork on his fork. I'm not his babysitter."

"Why not?" Bluestreak coughed hard. "He babysat you enough times."

"No shit. Prime hauled your ass out of the fire more times than I can count." Wheeljack snarled, looking up from where he was tinkering with his electric wheelchair controls.

"Hey, I held my own!" Bumblebee balled up his fists, his weathered eyes narrowing as he stood in the center of the room.

"Held his fuckin' hand you mean."

"Fuck you, Wheeljack!"

"If I had legs kid..."

"Yeah yeah yeah, the last time I saw you had legs was shortly before you blew them off your own body, you old car wreck."

"Fuck you!"

The other autobots were all settling in on the sofas and recliners, groaning and creaking. Prowl sighed as he sat down next to Jazz, who was grinning from ear to ear and completely blind.

"SUP DUDES!?" Jazz tilted his head back, shouting at the ceiling.

"Jazz, use your inside voice remember?"

"WHAT?" The old sound expert shouted, leaning over towards Prowl.

"Inside voice!"

"NO THANKS, MAN, I JUST ATE! GOTTA HIT THE CAN, THOUGH. WHERE'S BUMBLEBEE?" he sat up straighter, his head swiveling around.

Bumblebee glared at Jazz.

"He looks like a rusty Ray Charles. Shut up, you old fool!"

"Leave it alone, Bumblebee."

"Nah man, it's always the same! Just because I'm a little younger yet than the rest of you. It's _always _the same! Bumblebee bring me an aspirin! Bumblebee get the nurse! Bumblebee I'm gonna die. Bumblebee help me take a crap!"

"How about Bumblebee shut the fuck up?" Wheeljack added.

"Fuck you, you old bastard!" Bumblebee roared and scuttling over to Wheeljack he gave his chair a kick towards the wall. But Wheeljack was ready for him and engaging the engine on his chair, he zipped around the room in a wide half circle and stopped back next to Prime.

"Ha-hah! See that?! I _can _get things to work!"

"It only took you four million fuckin' years." Bumblebee glared at him.

Prowl called out.

"Alright you two settle down. Bumblebee turn on the TV. _Please_."

Prime's head was swiveling around trying to follow the conversations.

"Who said that?!" he asked. He looked at Wheeljack.

"Who are you?" he asked but Wheeljack just shook his head.

Bumblebee sighed and picking up the remote he aimed it at the TV up in the corner.

"Starscream's got a gun!" Prime howled. "It's Megatron!" and leaping up he snatched the remote out of Bumblebees hand.

"One shall stand, one shall fall!" he cried, snapping the remote in half and grinding up the pieces. All the other autobots groaned and started bitching.

"_Gawdammit_ Prime!"

"Un-fuckin' real." Cliffjumper sighed.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Bumblebee, you dumb ass."

"Now the nurses are gonna be pissed."

"WHAT?" Jazz called.

"See this is what I mean." Wheeljack raised one hand in disgust as he leaned over on one arm. "The kids been nothin' but trouble. How many years have we had to save his ass only to get our own beat down in the process?"

"Oh yeah?" Bumblebee glared, trying to stop Optimus from wandering over to the windows.

"Fuckin' right!" Wheeljack snorted.

He raised both hands in the air mockingly. "Hey I'm Bumblebee the Autobots recon spy. I paint myself bright fuckin' yellow so they can see me comin'!"

The other Autobot cars all started cackling and slapping their knees.

"What about Sunstreaker?" Bumblebee asked. "He's bright yellow."

"Sunstreaker ain't a fuckin' idiot." Wheeljack mumbled under his breath.

Bumblebee glared at him.

"You know I heard that. You can't really mumble anything when your whole head flashes like a strobe light when you talk. Talk about obvious!"

"Oh yeah? Can you see this?! Fuck you!" Wheeljack snarled.

"You remember that time those hippies stole him and they got high while driving him around?" Bluestreak grinned his toothless old smile as he warmed to the game.

"Yeah man, we found him naked eating all the energon cubes." Wheeljack finished.

"Downhill from there. Kid would try anything. How about that time he got drunk with Spike?" Sunstreaker piped up.

"I told you guys not to bring that up anymore!"

"And then he forgot Spike was still inside him when he transformed." Sideswipe smirked.

"Shut up!"

"Don't get so bent out of shape Bumblebee. You might end up lookin' like Spike." Wheeljack added.

The others all burst out laughing, cackling loudly before coughing and wheezing.

"Fuck you guys, man." Bumblebee growled and he let go of Primes arm to tip back his flask.

"By the Matrix!" Prime gasped as he looked outside, his hands on his knees. "The sky grows dark! It's Unicron!" He shot up.

"It's just getting dark outside. Come on Prime, sit down." Bumblebee tried to tug on his arm.

"Dark? It's getting dark!" Prime cried and he ran over to the refrigerator where he ripped the door open and stood back from it, basking in the light.

"Matrix light our darkest hour!" he intoned.

Bluestreak leaned up in his chair for a look.

"We need ketchup."

Prime ran back over to the windows.

"Autobots, transform and prepare for battle!" He brandished his fist at the silent cars.

"Prime, that's just the staff parking. We're all in here with you." Bumblebee whined. Finally, after some tugging and pulling, he got Optimus back down into his chair.

"Prowl, play that song. That always calms him down."

Prowl reached over to Blaster, frozen in his tape deck mode ever since he was left out in the rain. He set Blaster in Jazz's lap and pressed play.

'The Touch' by Stan Bush started to warble out of the speakers and Blaster groaned.

So did all the others.

"Aww no, man. Not again!" Wheeljack looked panicked.

"No way! Fuck this, man! That'll be stuck in my head all night! I can't stand it anymore!" He grappled with the joystick of his chair, yanking it around. The electric engine gave out howl followed by a blast of sparks.

Wheeljack was suddenly rocketed across the room at two hundred miles per hour, where he bashed through the brick wall with a scream, crashing and rattling down to the ground. He had knocked and flipped some of the others out of his way and they were getting up with groans and curses.

Bumblebee lowered his flask and scratched his rust.

"Serves you old bastards right." He burped.

"Coffee for everyone!" Prime called.

"WHAT?!"


End file.
